I was looking for tech news for a new weekly segment, and then the internet happened. So what I ended up with instead was a variety of different things that you could buy (yes you!) if you’re one of those eccentric billionaire types who has so much money that you can stop worrying about normal things, like bills, food, or tuition, and just buy a bunch of ridiculous shit.
Not sure if you fall into that category? Here’s a handy list of criteria to determine if you may fall into the “so wealthy I’m paying to hold my dog’s funeral on the moon when it dies” category.
- Do you own a private island, a small country, or a home on every continent?
- Do you own a personal vehicle for every mode of transportation (car, boat, plane etc.)?
- Do you frequently host parties with 500+ guests and foot the bill for everything?
- Is your house so big that sometimes you lose your pet(s) for days at a time?
- Did you buy the mansion next door so that your child could have a playhouse, or so your dog could have a doghouse, or hey, just because those neighbors annoyed the fuck out of you?
- Do you own a pool with a swim-up bar? Do you also own multiple hot tubs or your own grotto populated with hot babes/dudes?
- For your holiday wish list, do you just write “Surprise me” because you have everything you could ever think of wanting?
CONGRATULATIONS. If you answered yes to the above, you may be too wealthy for your own good. Rest assured though, I have compiled a handy list of items that you can include on that holiday wish list if you don’t buy them for yourself first, cause you’re an eccentric billionaire and you ain’t got time to wait for no holiday to get what you want!
Do you like radio controlled items? That look like dragons? That breathe fire? OF COURSE YOU DO. $60,000is all that stands between you and terrorizing the entireneighborhood with this majestic creature. Hell if you
buy a couple of them you could call yourself Khaleesi and scare away the few neighbors whose mansions you haven’t already bought for your pets.
Private jets are soooooooo 2013. Real billionaires like to live dangerously, and that means you need a personal jetpack to cruise from mansion to mansion. Fly up into the sky and lord over everyone like the madman that you are.
After you finish flying around like some deranged version of Bruce Wayne, you’ll probably want to come home and relax in your
evil lair mansion on your beautiful new volcanic rock sofa.
Wait, what? Yes, you heard me:volcanic rock sofa. Fabric sofas are for plebs. And you are no pleb. Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “Stacy, this is a Geek Remix article, and there is nothing geeky about furniture.” Well JUST WAIT okay? I am getting to that…
Do you love Star Wars? Like, LOVE Star Wars? Why not own the ultimate piece of Star Wars geekery in this life-sized x-wing? Yes, you can even sit in it. Constructed from over 5 million Lego bricks (that you don’t have to put together, because what are you, a peasant?) this will ensure no one EVER questions your nerd-cred ever again.
Whatever the aquatic occasion, this baby has you covered. From swimming with whales to scaring the shit out of those pesky tourists that keep coming to your private island and swimming on your damn beach – you can be sure they’ll pick a different island next time! Plus listen to that gnarly music in the video – this thing is awesome.
Last but not least, if you have so much money that you literally wipe your ass with it (and that is what this post is about isn’t it?), why not wipe with something a little less… dirty? After all, millions of people have touched that money, but only YOU can use your golden toilet paper! This way anyone who has to kiss your ass will be thinking, “Damn, that’s one sparkly asshole”. Actually they will probably just think you’re a huge douche with too much money on your hands, but when have you ever let that stop you?
Hope you enjoyed this list of expensive crap. I’ll try to actually find something in tech for my next article, but this stuff was just too good to not share!