Furious 7 Review: One-Liners, Butts, and Defying the Laws of Physics

Let me tell you something about myself: I used to be a movie snob. Unfortunately, and I don’t know how it happened (probably the Film Appreciation class I tookfurious sophomore year), I began to avoid certain movies because I thought I was above them. I would watch movie trailers and stick my nose up in the air. I looked at movies as an art form and not a fun distraction. I analyzed movies instead of enjoying them. And I still do analyze movies; scrutinizing the media you consume is important. I also still appreciate movies with more substance. But now I realize that even movies that you could technically call ‘bad’ have something to offer. You’re probably asking, what does this story have to do with Furious 7? Well, if you asked me a year ago if I wanted to go see a film like Furious 7, I would have responded, “HELL no.” But thankfully that changed, and the second I saw the trailer, I marked down the film’s release date on my calender.

yepI went into the movie thinking it was going to be incredibly ridiculous and I was SO RIGHT. Now, I’ve never actually seen a film in the Fast & Furious franchise before, so I don’t know what they usually entail, but I can separate the best things about this movie into three categories, the same ones in the title: One-Liners, Butts, and Defying the Laws of Physics.

One of the defining aspects of action movies is the one-liner. If there isn’t at least one ridiculous line delivered by the protagonist before he completely OWNS the villain, was it really an action movie? If you’re looking for some tasty zingers, look no further. F7 recognized how vital they are and graciously gives us the best, most pun-filled ones you could want, all said with straight faces at the best moments.

Now, the butts. There are so many butts in F7. And not the boring, flat kind of butts. I’m talking fantastic butts. Premium butts, the best butts you can find. They know how to dress up their butts in this movie. There’s wet butts. There’s sparkly, gold-covered butts. There’s butts dressed up in fancy dresses and butts clad only in thongs. The girl who plays Missandei on Game of Thrones, her butt is there, wearing a bikini. So is Michelle Rodriguez’s, in an expensive red party dress. And if you’re looking for man buns, well… you’re kind of out of luck, but I personally believe that you should be able to appreciate a butt no matter what gender it is.

pwAnd then there’s the total lack of acknowledgement of the earthly restraints of physics. I don’t know if you know this, but when a car slams into a hard surface at many miles per hour, whether you are wearing your seatbelt or not, there is a very high chance you will die. When Jason Statham and Vin Diesel play chicken and slam into each other, both leave their cars, unscathed. The Rock flips an ambulance off of a bridge into a plane and pushes out of the broken front window of the truck like a baby being born, and somehow has no injuries. Paul Walker climbs out of a bus that is teetering on the edge of a cliff and, as it falls in a ravine, sprints up the side and grabs onto the spoiler of Michelle Rodriguez’s car, and wouldn’t you know it, not a scratch on him. That one got a smattering of applause from the audience, and normally I would roll my eyes – it’s basically the same thing as clapping when a plane lands – but since it was a Friday night and the late Paul Walker just transcended gravity, I let it slide.

If that doesn’t sell you on Furious 7, here’s some other things you can find in this movie: the Rock flexing and the cast on his arm crumbling into dust; Kurt Russell shooting bad guys while an oil refinery goes up in flames around him; cars crashing through buildings hundreds of stories in the air and wiping out prized artifacts as they go; a child calling Vin Diesel a pussy; an emotional tribute to Paul Walker; and love conquering all.

I give Furious 7 9 out of 10 Vin Diesels. Don’t be a movie snob like I was. Love yourself and go see it.

Written by CaptainDanger

Sasha is a nursing student from Florida who should probably be spending more time studying than on the internet.

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